Living with fears it’s like locking yourself in the house, with the burglar inside. It’s almost like we secretly chose to live with anxiety. Yet, we are all guilty of it.
The science side of this matter is that fears are rooted in limiting beliefs that we acquired through our experiences. It’s part of our “programming”. That fears aren’t real. They are just imagination, nothing but future scenarios based on past experiences.
Allowing our thoughts to “trip” up into the potential future, without having a grounded understanding of why we are choosing to validate that thought, we will cause ourselves feelings of anxiety and stress. Very true.
Spirituality says that fears are linked to our human nature and identification with our ego, the part of us that wants to live forever. Fears arise from not being present in the moment. Instead, we drift in and out of our past and future, stuffing ourselves with unpleasant emotions. Pretty much the same thing in a different light.
If we can learn to stay in the present moment, by participating fully in whatever is that we do at any given time, and also by connecting with our breath consistently especially when we feel stressed, then we can begin to save ourselves from all the anxiety and depression. All true again.
It’s all nice and clear when you read it on paper, but when it comes to practice, it gets a bit more complicated than that. I always speak from my own experience and I can give you many examples. But for now, allow me to share this particular one.
After the second brain surgery which happened as a result of an unexpected infection, just three weeks apart from the initial craniotomy, of course I was filled with fear. I had constant thoughts that something bad could happen again at any time and I may have to rush to the emergency and be admitted again.
I felt terrified at times with the emotions that were created by these thoughts. But that’s not all, it also made me act in weird ways.
This happened around that “time of the year”, around Christmas. I wanted so much to have a peaceful Christmas with my family after all the crazy journey we have all been trough. Not to mention the shock, physical pain, chemicals and needles.
The fear was keeping me feel anxious and uncertain, and that was one thing. As a result, I had an urge to act on my emotions, and that’s the other thing. I bought all my gifts on line way early in November, wrapped them up, tagged them and everything, and placed them under the tree on the second day of December 2019, the moment we put up our Christmas tree.
This may not sound like a big deal, but when I became aware of it, it was a turning point for me. I realised how my fears manipulated my actions, not to mention was making me feel scared all the time. And then I realised that it all started from a thought, that was a result of a past experience.
I used to work in the financial industry and have a pretty good idea about how you prepare projected future calculations. I’ve learnt first-hand that we can never control or predict everything in life, not in the same way for sure.
Nobody can “budget” themselves for a shocking diagnosis and undergoing urgent brain surgery. I had business plans, future plans, life plans. All of that puffed in the air in a second. It was all gone. So yes, we can never control the outcomes and events that will come along.
It made me realise that it was wrong for me to project the fear of the past into the future. Yes, something terrible indeed that has happened in my life but I decided to bury that.
Why? because it was stealing away all my joy. My mind would not let my heart at rest and as a result I wasn’t fully able to help my body heal in peace and harmony. I seemed pretty cool on the outside, but deep down I was afraid.
I remember one day saying to myself “The worst is behind me. If I made it through the belly of the dragon alive and I’m still standing here now, there had to be a huge amount of grace and miracles in my favour. I know I am safe now, there is nothing to wrong in this moment. I feel great. I am alive and well. I am so blessed and have so much to be grateful for” and started to count my blessings…
For me that was the moment when I found a way to work through my own fears and insecurities. Yes, I had a very good reason to feel scared as you would all agree I am sure.
Yet, I could not point the finger anywhere outside of me for what I was feeling. My feelings were always, and still are my responsibility. I can never control what other people say or do, nor what experiences life will lay before me. But one thing I can do, is be accountable for my own emotions and actions.
The moment I decided to take responsibility for my own feelings I became empowered to look at the root of my “pain”.
I realised that the root of this fear was in my mind. The mind has an incredible momentum and can take us from one thought to another, in the past and in the future like a mad river.
It can induce us to drag our bodies through mud and dirt with our own approval.
Now that I found the root of my fear, I pulled it out. I then decided to anchor myself into the ground and placed my feet into that soil. I decided not to respond to that thought anymore.
Fear still nudges in from time to time, but when I am grounded in this moment, where everything is perfect and all is well, I find peace. When I trust life, I know that whatever it brings before me can only make me better.
I don’t remember who said this, but it stuck with me and it was something along these lines:
“An pointless thinking process, is not a sign of intelligence”
Love and blessings
mariecurteanu 